Paramount Greenlights Custer’s Revenge Film Adaptation
Just look at that stupid face.
From a cheap plastic bush outside of David Ellision’s office, I can confirm that Paramount has officially greenlit a film adaptation of the controversial Atari 260 game Custer’s Revenge. This is the latest in a slew of video games getting the film treatment and comes off the heels of Paramount announcing the release date to their Call of Duty film. Ellison claims that Custer’s Revenge is the perfect video game for the studio to make a film of and exactly what the world needs right now.
“Video games are the hot thing now. They are to general audiences what girls under 13 are to me and my friends. They’re irresistible,” Ellison said, licking his lips. “There is no greater IP match than Custer’s Revenge and Paramount. This is a game that has all the same values as me and my family and by extension, my studio. Custer was a great American hero, who did what needed to be done for his country and got all the ladies he wanted, whether they consented or not. Name a more relatable hero.”
While no writer has been announced for the project Brett Ratner will direct it.
“What an honor it is to be given the reins of such an iconic franchise. I promise that I will not screw it up,” Ratner said as he tried to pawn off a DVD copy of Melania.” It’s so nice to be given the opportunity to make a film in a franchise that isn’t about the plights faced by the marginalized and oppressed but instead about what it takes to be strong. Custer’s Revenge is more than a game; it’s a story about America and all the wonderful values our great nation is built on.”
Casting director Phillip Manheim says that they have a few names in mind but are striving to make sure anyone they cast fits the characters as they are in the game.
“For the Native American woman that Custer defiles, we’re in talks with Gina Carano, who will of course paint her face. As for Custer himself, we certainly have a shortlist of names. And I mean a short list because most actors are blacklisted from ever working on this esteemed project. But we are also open to casting unknowns. So long as they can capture the essence of the character and will also publicly call for the eradication of all Palestinians.”
At press time, Jonathan Majors was seen beating a woman in front of Ellison though it’s unclear if this was an audition for the film. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Faux Fothergilla.
