Lollapalooza to Honor Elderly Veterans of Earlier Lollapaloozas
21 Pilots salute.
From a bush on Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago, I can now confirm that the 2026 Lollapalooza music festival will open with a special ceremony celebrating those who fought for our freedom to listen to offensive music and enjoy debaucherous sideshows. Gen Z marketing intern, Maddie Olsen, read the schedule during a tech rehearsal late last week, allowing me to preview the ceremony.
“We begin with Dave Navarro playing The Star-Spangled Banner on his signature Paul Reed Smith guitar. Wait. That nice old man from the tattoo show? Why would we have him do that,” Olsen asked before a crew member briefly explained the existence of Jane’s Addiction and how Dave’s performances are quite tasteful by modern standards but were once considered an affront to our American way of life. Olsen continued the dry run.
“This says to make sure bandmate Perry Farrell doesn’t run after Dave with a folding chair like a professional wrestler.” Olsen continued as she squinted at her notes. “Is this old? They wouldn’t still be fighting like this, would they?”
The crew discouraged her from scribbling out the note.
“Next we’ll tie the national flags to Eddie Vedder’s belt and assume they’ll find their way to the top of the stage rafters,” Olsen read before shooting an annoyed glance at her crew. “Who changed my notes? Guys, come on, we’re not tying anything to Mr. Vedder. That’s elder abuse! But also, let’s make sure all climbable surfaces are blocked off”
Olsen soldiered on through the end of the ceremony.
“Finally, the ceremony concludes with the ‘passing of the torch,’ as 61-year-old Trent Reznor uses fireworks to burn down Charli XCX’s tour bus and if he has time Smashing Pumpkins’ bus,” Olsen noted. “Okay, this is ridiculous. Someone hide the fireworks from Mr. Reznor and let’s up the security around Charli’s tour bus. The Pumpkins are on their own for this one.”
Shortly before press time, the crew blocked out positions for AARP candidate Jonathan Davis of Korn to noodle on the bagpipes at center stage while 68-year-old Gibby Haynes of Butthole Surfers wanders the crowd firing 21 blanks from his famous 12-gauge shotgun. The bush I hid in for this scoop was an American Cranberrybush Viburnum.
