Rejoice!
From a bush outside of Angel Studios HQ in Provo, Utah, I can now confirm that following the announcement of “The Angel Promise,” a brand new content policy from Angel Studios that bans on-screen sex and nudity in their movies, entertainment lawyers have already pointed out a loophole in the policy that allows actors to have on-screen anal sex as a substitute for regular on-screen sex.
“The policy bans ‘sex acts’ but it doesn’t outright ban anal sex or ass play,” said Greg Stevens, a Partner at Stevens and Franks LLP. “As we all know, anal sex is not sex, but a sex substitute. Therefore, any actor wishing to partake in any on-screen anal sex, can do so without having to worry about a breach of contract with Angel Studios.”
While Stevens backs his clients’ use of the newly discovered loophole, he does warn them to practice safe on-screen anal sex.
“I don’t recommend my clients, or really anyone for that matter, be in an Angel Studios film,” Stevens said. “But if you’re going to be in an Angel Studios film, please practice safe on-screen anal sex. Don’t say ‘fuck,’ or use God’s name in vain while doing on-screen anal sex. You can use God’s name; you just have to be careful about how you do it. For instance, ‘Oh fuck, oh God. This anal sex is so good,’ is not permitted. But you can say something like, ‘Oh yes. God is good. Thank God for this day and this great anal sex.’ Just be safe folks. No one needs to get sued by the studio that is putting out the Hersey movie.”
Jeff Harmon, the sexless co-founder and Chief Content Officer of Angel Studios, thinks the Angel Promise is the future of Hollywood.
“If there’s anything our three million real paying subscribers know it’s what people want in movies, and it’s for sure not sex,” Harmon said during a recent Fox News interview, before sticking out his tongue and pretending to vomit. “You don’t want gross sex. You want big dudes with guns shooting other dudes with guns in the head and killing them dead. Big bloody shootouts, that’s what we’re all about at Angel Studios.”
At press time, Harmon announced that Angel Studios does not recognize on-screen ass play as a breach of contract, it would not condone the action. The bush I hid in for this scoop was an Abstinence Shrub.
Rejoice!