Netflix Confirms Moving Forward Directors Who Demand Theatrical will get Hosed
“Stop asking for theatrical.”
From a bush outside of Netflix HQ, I can now confirm that the streamer has decided to take power back from directors, by hosing down anyone who asks for a simultaneous theatrical release for their Netflix movie. I caught up with Netflix Co-CEO Ted Sarandos, manning the hose outside of his office.
“Someone has to put these pompous directors in their place,” Sarandos said before turning the hose on Zach Cregger. “For too long they’ve been trying to keep movies from our viewers, and we will not have it anymore. From this point forward, movies will be on Netflix and Netflix only. And if you don’t like that, I’ve got a hose with your name on it.”
Earlier this year, when it looked like Netflix would acquire Warner Bros. Discovery, Sarandos was open to supporting theatrical windows. Months removed from the deal falling through, he’s now singing a different tune.
“Our movies just don’t make money in theaters,” Sarandos said before hosing down Curry Baker and Kane Parsons, who tried to bum-rush Sarandos together. “Look. All I’m saying is that when we put out a movie for a limited theatrical run, we better make $500 million in those 1-2 weeks that we put it out for. Glass Onion and Wake Up Deadman should be two of the highest grossing movies of all time. The fact that they aren’t means that theaters are dying.”
We caught up with outgoing WBD CEO, David Zaslav, who was disappointed by Netflix’s turn on directors and theatrical.
“Wait, they’re killing their theater initiative,” Zaslav said while burning Daffy Duck at the stake. “I wish Ted would have said something. I’m a bit of an expert when it comes to killing things and making bad decisions. I may have been able to sway shareholders not to take the deal from Paramount and ‘Date Rape David,’ had I known they were going in this direction. Wow, I’m really bummed out. Do you think they’ll take me on after I leave WB? I think I could do a lot of good over there.”
At press time, Ari Aster was rushed to a local hospital after being knocked out cold by the Netflix hose. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a well-watered Grey Man Bush.
