It’s Time to Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Bathe
From behind a plant in Battle City, I can now confirm that Duelist Kingdom Champion, Yugi Mutou has been ejected from a Duel Monsters tournament for poor hygiene. Tournament owner and organizer Seto Kaiba explained the decision following the ejection.
“In every trading card tournament, you’re going to have some players who don’t bathe regularly,” said Kaiba. “But generally, duelists use deodorant or do a quick spray of AXE to mask it, and that’s good enough. But that dweeb Yugi? I caught a whiff of him, and it brought tears to my eyes for the first time ever. And it’s no wonder he reeked, he was still wearing the clothes he won Duelist Kingdom in. He stunk worse than his dueling technique, which is trash. Battle City will no longer be plagued by his stench. He’s out.”
Koji Nagumo, Mutou’s opponent who filed the initial complaint, provided details on the situation.
“Yugi’s terrible stink was obvious from the get-go,” stated Nagumo. “When I called him out on it, he just sat there talking to himself. At one point he made his voice go really deep. I couldn’t tell if he was trolling me or if he actually thought he was a pharaoh. Hard to tell with that stupid, gigantic-ass necklace of his. Weird Egypt fetish, dude. He probably should be on some meds, or maybe in a padded room. Either way, that’s no excuse for smelling like you’d just completed an ultra-marathon in Dubai in August. Despite having the strongest deck in the entire tourney, I stood no chance against that kid’s horrid stench. Jesus Christ.”
Reached for comment, Mutou offered his side of the story.
“I was simply devastated when I asked to leave,” declared Mutou. “All I’ve ever wanted was to be the best duelist I can be—the King of Games. So, when deciding on my deck and my strategies, I got into a heated argument with Yami and just lost track of time. And that’s why I hadn’t showered in a few days and why I was a bit unkempt. Yami has guided me through some tough times, sure, but he can be a stubborn prick when he’s sure he’s right. And when he’s doing his whole ‘I’m an infallible god’ routine, he’ll just Mind Shuffle me out of his way. You’d think being several thousand years old would impart some wisdom and humility. But apparently not. That arrogant douche cost me the tournament.”
At press time, Kaiba, unprompted, declared that he was “the best duelist in the world,” and he insisted on that being included in the story. The plant I hid behind for this scoop was an Aloe Vera.
It’s Time to Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Bathe