The most Babygirl Coded CEO?
From a bush in Bryan, Texas, I can now confirm that following the opening weekend of Nathan Fielder’s You Can See Everything, men around the country have flocked to Federal Prison Camp Bryan, for the chance to rescue Elizabeth Holmes from prison, her husband, and ultimately herself. We caught up with some of these men outside of the prison.
“You Can See Everything is the best documentary EVER made,” said Phillip Hudman, 35, a Missouri man who later confirmed that he’s never heard of Ken Burns. “Liz is this strong silent type. She won’t tell Billy [Evans] off, but that’s where I come in. I swoop in, break Liz out of prison, rescue her from her tiny-dicked husband, and then we live happily ever after in Mexico or Canada or wherever we can go where she won’t be extradited.”
Some of Holmes' suitors aren’t new to rescuing celebrities.
“I was on the ground floor of the “Free Britney” campaign,” said Daniel Hill, 30, who considers all celebs close personal friends. “I made a lot of assumptions about Lizzy after watching The Dropout in 2022. I feel terrible about that. Watching Nathan Fielder’s doc, I just feel like I truly know everything about Lizzy now and it’s all thanks to this three-hour documentary that gave me the full picture.”
The crowd of men started gathering at the gates of FPC Bryan over the weekend. Prison Guard Rex Callahan is left puzzled by the crowd.
“I don’t think these guys understood the movie,” Callahan said, before confirming with us that he saw it at Telluride Film Festival back in September and then again at release. “It’s called You Can See Everything, but you can’t really see everything. As someone who has worked with Holmes for the last few years, I can tell you she is more put together than she lets on. She tried to pull that doe-eyed cry face during lunch one of her first days, in an attempt to score more mashed potatoes. Ghislaine Maxwell was working the line and was not having it. She jumped over the counter and kicked Holmes in the face. Holmes responded by ripping out a clump of Maxwell’s hair. They’re best buds now and we have to keep an eye on them to make sure they’re not scheming up anything. I say all this to say, gentlemen, Elizabeth Holmes does not need you to save her. Go home and watch better documentaries.”
At press time, You Can See Everything fell to a 4.6 rating on Letterboxd, causing every man outside of FPC Bryan to faint. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Billy Bush.
The most Babygirl Coded CEO?