Nothing Personal, It’s Just Business
From a bush outside of Netflix HQ, I can now confirm that following another rough day for the streamer’s stock price, the Netflix board of directors has decided to part ways with one of their Co-CEOs. It’s a decision they’re not taking lightly and one they’re ultimately leaving up to Ted Sarandos and Greg Peters, via a fight to the death. Winner becomes the new sole Netflix CEO.
“This is just business as usual,” Sarandos said as he picked out a throwing spear for the battle. “I like Pete. He’s a good kid. But come on. I’m the guy. I’m at all the award shows and parties. I’m shaking the hands. I’m making the deals. Greg has just been sitting there silently for the last three years while I do all the work. I hope he plans to do more than just sit there while I pierce his heart with this ancient spear.”
The Co-CEO’s gathered in Netflix’s dedicated fight pit, surrounded by Netflix employees in spectator stands. Peter’s removed his shirt, fashioned his tie into a bandanna, and smeared intern blood across his cheeks, like war paint.
“You’ve had your time, old man,” Peters said as he performed Krav Maga on the air. “This mess is your making. Gray Man 2? Pathetic, Ted. I will end your time on this mortal coil quickly and then I will clean up your mess. My only regret is that you won’t be able to see how much better things are without you once you’re gone.”
As part of their ever expanding library of Content, Netflix streamed the fight to its 325 million global subscribers.
“I had no idea they were doing this,” said Dave Valentine, long-time Netflix subscriber. “Like there was no marketing at all. The only email I got from Netflix this week was about another price increase to my subscription, which I don’t mind. How many other streamers let you watch their Co-CEO’s beat the crap out of each other? Now that’s value.”
At press time, Sarandos threw his spear, missing Peters completely and striking Netflix Film Division Head, Dan Lin. Lin left the fight and was taken to the hospital and is currently in critical condition. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Tuhdum Bush.
Nothing Personal, It’s Just Business