Gavin Newsom Lands Lead Role in Paramount’s Live-Action Monopoly Show
Free parking not included.
From a bush outside of a spine replacement clinic, I can confirm that Gavin Newsom is set to star as the lead in Paramount’s upcoming live-action adaptation of Monopoly.
“I mean, who else could do it?” Gavin Newsom asked a furious crowd of just about everyone in California, “Who else could take the strongest opportunity we’ve ever had to absolutely break the back of billionaire power, to punish the pedophilic freaks propping up an Alzheimer-riddled pus bag president, to finally notch a win, and set it alight for his own self benefit?”
Paramount has ordered a ten-episode season of Monopoly, a dark gritty drama which charts the rise of Mr. Milburn Pennybags from humble beginnings to domination of global business.
“We are absolutely delighted to welcome Gavin to the silver screen,” said Paramount CEO David Ellison, fresh after jerking it to IDF training videos. “The man has a combination of traits you can’t find anywhere else: a craving for power over plebs, a pissboy obedience toward his corporate overlords, and an allergy to anything that might make the world a slightly more bearable place to live.”
Monopoly features a real who’s who of Hollywood talent. Ben Shapiro plays Horace Elephant, a radio show host who “tells it like it is.” Standing in Pennybags’ path is Sydney Sweeney’s caricaturesque Beatrice Boot, a lazy union worker and disease-ridden prostitute. Rounding off the cast is an AI-resurrected Charlie Kirk, playing Pennybags’ son who is “perfect in every single way.”
“It could be worse,” sighed local artist Iga Paints. “Sure, local, and national media is almost exclusively in the hands of people who want us dead or enslaved. But at least they got Tony Gilroy as showrunner. Apparently even Paramount wouldn’t touch Brett Ratner.”
At press time, Gavin Newsom was seen begging leftists to “please watch my show, or they’re gonna greenlight Caitlyn Jenner in Yahtzee.” The bush I hid in was a California Flannelbush.
Free parking not included.