TIFF Promises Ticketing System Will Be Even Worse Next Year
Game over poors.
From a bush outside TIFF Lightbox, I can confirm that the board of directors for the Toronto International Film Festival has promised to ensure the ticketing system is even worse next year.
“We’re extremely proud of our ticketing partner, Ticketmaster, for how simple and easy they made it for our biggest donors to get tickets and how difficult they made it for the freeloading poors to get tickets,” stated Board Member Jensen Pryce. “These people need to learn that if you aren’t going to pay for our most expensive membership then you’ll be fighting for the scraps of those who do. If you think you can just come to a film festival and get tickets to movies, you have another thing coming. That’s why next year we’re gonna make it even worse to try getting tickets unless you become a top tier yearly member.”
Pryce’s speech garnered a 17-minute standing ovation from the rest of the board and was runner up for the Shareholder People’s Choice Award. Other members of the board praised the initiative.
“Just because this is an international film festival, doesn’t mean it’s about film lovers of all walks of life celebrating film. If you don’t want to pay a premium to get tickets weeks before the press and the poors then you deserve nothing,” said William Sterling, board member of ten years and nephew of the chairman. “You clearly don’t like film enough. We must punish these fake cinephiles with even more technical glitches, long queue times, and bot snipers. It’s 2026, if you don’t have lots of disposable income then you aren’t allowed to be a movie lover.”
For their part, Ticketmaster has already begun putting plans in place to ensure the ticketing experience is worse at next year’s festival.
“At Ticketmaster, there’s nothing we love more than making it as difficult and frustrating as possible for people to acquire tickets to events,” stated Ticketmaster spokesperson Jerimiah Wilkinson. “The fact is our R&D department is always tirelessly at work coming up with ways to make the ticketing experience as bad as possible to anyone who doesn’t make six figures. We were absolutely thrilled to get the call from TIFF to make next year’s festival tickets as difficult to obtain as humanely possible. Our partnership is as strong as it’s ever been and now that we have the go ahead to ensure average citizens will have even less luck getting tickets, it’s only going to get stronger. We’re already planning to just give most of the tickets away to the highest tier members before the schedule is even announced to the public.”
At press time, TIFF has announced a new low priced membership option that will allow people to wait in line for hours before being shooed away. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Canadian Serviceberry.
Game over poors.