Oh Fuck
From a bush outside of my polling place, I can now confirm that following the purge of political mid-term ads from local TV stations, viewers are now being bombarded by Liberty Mutual ads, featuring auto insurance mascot, Liberty Biberty.
“I thought I had escaped the horror of the mid-terms and all the political ads,” said Clara Martínez, a Missouri voter who recently gouged her own eyes out after seeing two Liberty Biberty ads in a row. “The political ads were keeping me safe from Liberty Biberty ads this entire time and I took them for granted. I’m sorry, political ads. Forgive me for my foolishness. Even though most of you were nasty, deceptive, and mostly made with AI, at least you didn’t feature Liberty fucking Biberty.”
Liberty Biberty haters around the nation are going to great lengths to avoid the Liberty Mutual puppet mascot.
“No matter where I’m at, I shoot TVs any time the ad comes on,” said Kirk Mansfield, a self-proclaimed “Biberty Hunter” from Michigan. “Sure, people could just turn off their TVs, but then what are they going to do to fill their time? Plus, an undestroyed TV still has a 90% chance of displaying Liberty Biberty, and those chances are just too high. I won’t stop shotting TVs until everyone is safe from Liberty fucking Biberty.”
Creator of Liberty Biberty and marketing wunderkind, Pam Wright, is head-over-heels about creating the latest mascot superstar.
“Oh my god, I revived monoculture,” Wright said in a recent Zoom call before popping a bottle of champagne. “I mean sure, it’s over a mascot used to sell boring ass auto insurance, but a win is a win. Doug and the Lemu Emu team can totally suck my ass. An emu? What a stupid fucking mascot. Eat shit, Doug. Liberty fucking Biberty for the win!’
At press time, all networks across the nation went off air to try and stave off the Liberty Biberty outbreak. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Flo Shrub.
Oh Fuck