Dumbass Netflix Intern Suggests Making Good Content
He’s new here.
From a bush outside of Netflix headquarters, I can confirm that during an all hands meeting, in which the company gathered all executives, their assistants, unpaid interns and paid nephews together to try and come up with ways to further increase their market cap and increase subscriber retention, an idiotic intern suggested making good content.
“This is serious everyone. Now that we won’t have the Warner Bros IP to fall back on, we need ideas to get people to care,” stated CEO Ted Sarandos who repeated himself several times so the executives on their phones knew what was happening. “Our shows are being canceled after one or two seasons before they can find an audience, nobody likes our movies and subscriber numbers aren’t increasing. We need ideas to get people invested in our ecosystem again. I want any and all ideas. AI, verticals, short form content, a microblogging feature, buying Letterboxd. What can we do?”
It was at this moment the unnamed and unpaid intern spoke up and suggested the platform make good content. Details are still muddy on what exactly transpired after the suggestion was made but from the bushes I can confirm that I heard a loud commotion. There was yelling, what appeared to be objects being thrown and a loud thud before a sudden silence. It was at this moment a cleaning crew rushed into the room. The intern was not seen exiting the meeting room along with everyone else nor has he been seen since.
“Netflix has no record of anyone matching that description ever working here,” a Netflix rep stated to police. “The notion that we would hire anyone not related to an executive, even for an unpaid position, is ludicrous. We only accept the best and brightest minds in the entertainment business here.”
At press time, Netflix has announced it will be investing in the production of a slate of films that will consist of actors just reading a plot synopsis for two hours on repeat. The first of these will star Chris Pratt and cost $250 million to produce.
Someone has to question the mermaid, again.