Universal Love of Willem Dafoe Only Thing Keeping Country Together
Godspeed, everyone.
From a bush outside the sociological research labs at the University of California, Irvine, I can now confirm that the nation’s top researchers have discovered humanity’s overall love for actor Willem Dafoe is the only societal force keeping this divided nation from ripping itself apart.
“With the constant rise in hate amongst groups of people, the ongoing conflict across the globe and now the most recent Alex Cooper and Alix Earle controversy, it is no wonder people feel we are in our history’s darkest times,” said sociologist Ted Setts. “But we have discovered one singular factor that is keeping all of America – and frankly most of the world – from collapse. That is, of course, the unbearable love we all feel for The Lighthouse and Speed 2: Cruise Control star, Willem Dafoe.”
After hours upon hours of research, the data is evident, Dafoe just has that quirked up, unassuming something-something that makes both bleeding heart liberals and extreme right-wingers swoon and sigh.
“Boondock Saints, Poor Things, all these damn Spider-Man’s, …I mean, this guy has something for everyone,” said associate professor Daina Froth, as she wrapped up her second viewing of Wild at Heart. “And look, don’t even get me started on his Wes Anderson stuff, I mean…c’mon!”
Now, with this overwhelming evidence peer-reviewed by the Pro-Users of Letterboxd, this team of researchers is looking to bottle the essence of this four-time Oscar-nominated actor in the hope that it will help resolve some of the globe’s largest conflicts.
“We have to act fast. We don’t know how much time we have remaining with Dafoe. We could lose this beam of light at any given time,” Setts warned his staff, “But we can somehow duplicate this phenomenon, and I don’t want to get too ahead of myself, but I think this may unite Ireland and Northern Ireland come next Cannes.”
At press time, Setts and his team camped out on the set of Werewulf, hoping to safely capture Dafoe for further studies. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Swamp Cyrilla.
