Tour Delayed While Post Malone Travels to Mordor to Destroy the One Ring MTG Card
One card to rule them all.
From a bush outside a hobbit hole window in Utah, I eavesdropped on a private interview between Stephen Colbert and Post Malone regarding the rescheduling of his Big Ass Stadium World Tour.
“You ought to cancel quietly, and you ought to cancel soon,” suggested Colbert to an engrossed Malone. “What we thought was a mere 1 of 1 collectible has revealed its true Power. The greed that consumed Brook Trafton will soon take hold of its new owner; you’ll never be satisfied with your success and will eventually be lost to the blue dot fever. Already you have kept the card too long — your spotlight has faded and your body has become thin and stretched, a sign that the card is gaining control. You must slip out of the concert obligations without it being known why, and be careful of what you say. Hasbro has many ears...”
It was at that time my hiding spot was discovered, and I was forced to cohost Malone with Jelly Roll and Carter Faith on his journey to destroy the card. After an uncinematic detour through a forest to meet a god, our party met a rugged man at a hotel bar in Brea, California.
“I am called Fighter, and though he may have forgotten it, your friend and I collaborated on a Saturday night not long ago,” the dark figure said gesturing to Post. “You have been much too careless. You may travel under a false name, but those dogshit tattoos are recognizable anywhere. Take me along with you as a guide, I’ve toured these lands everlong and I can usually avoid being seen, if I wish. And I shall take more care of the secret than you do on this long road to ruin.”
We accepted his help but were beset by Magic investors who necrosed Malone with poisonous purchase offers. Our entourage barely escaped into the protection of Rick Rubin where a council was held in his Shangri-La recording studio sanctuary to discuss the journey ahead.
“Why do you speak ever of hiding and destroying? Why should we not think that the Great Card has come into our hands to serve us in the very hour of greed?” interjected Logan Paul during the council. “One does not simply destroy a one-of-a-kind PSA 10 — it is a gift. We should use it to launch a new fractionalized ownership platform to pay for the old one’s fraud lawsuit. The men of the west are weak; think of how many nerds we could scam into thinking digital shares of The One Ring card mean anything.”
At the time of publication, the fellowship is debating whether we can just take an American Eagle flight straight to Mount Doom. The bush I hid in for this scoop was Kingsfoil, or Athelas as Dave Grohl insisted.
