Osmosis Jones and Partner Added to Trump Security Detail
One card to rule them all.
From a bush outside of the White House, I can now confirm that white blood cell, Osmosis Jones, and his pill partner, are new additions to Donald Trump’s security detail, after the latest assassination attempt on his life. U.S. Secretary of Health, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., broke the news of the new hire in an unprovoked rant.
“This Osmosis guy has helped a lot of friends of mine fight off assassination attempts,” Kennedy said in front of the White House before jumping into the air and eating a pigeon whole. “Osmosis and his little pill friend have a 6000% success rate when it comes to saving people from virus assassinations. The President can rest easy tonight, knowing that the best of the best is fighting off all the would be liberal virus assassins.”
President Trump was excited to have Jones and his partner on his side.
“We’ve all got little people inside us. Inside me. Little white people. Some working, not all. But some do work. The best ones work. Osmosis is one of the good ones,” the President said in a recent press conference when asked about Iran and Epstein. “The little white people fight off the little bad people trying to kill us. No one has more little bad people trying to kill them than me. They’re bad and Osmosis is going to stop them. His little pill buddy too. Most people don’t know it, but his name is Drix. He’s a big guy.”
We were able to catch up with Jones on a petri dish in-between shifts in the President’s body.
“I first met the president years ago when he and my thirteen-year-old host at the time met at a party,” Jones said, before his partner pointed out that he should not have said that. “Drix and I have seen some things in our extensive career together. Whatever is trying to kill the president from the inside can’t be any worse than what’s trying to kill him on the outside.”
At press time, President Trump was diagnosed with Marburg Virus. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Miosis Shrub.
