Jonah Hill Spotted on Hollywood Boulevard Putting Jason Bateman in an Arm Bar
Fuck around and find out how lame I’ve become.
From a bush outside of the Darcy Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard, I can now confirm that Jonah Hill was seen putting Jason Bateman in an arm bar. A crowd gathered around the commotion, as Hill taunted his latest victim.
“I warned you and your friends that I would annihilate you guys, but you didn’t listen. I am NOT that same guy from Superbad anymore,” said Hill with the unconscious bodies of Will Arnett and Sam Hayes lying nearby. “The biggest difference, Jason, between that guy and who I am now is I’m not funny anymore. Okay? Fucking tell everyone you know that Jonah Hill is not the same funny guy he was in 21 Jump Street. I’ve been training Brazilian jiu jitsu for a little over 45 days now, motherfucker.”
After snapping Bateman’s arm in half, Hill stood up and began challenging bystanders to fight him.
“Anyone else want to fuck around and find out,” yelled a teary-eyed Hill. “I will fight anyone else who thinks I’m still the same funny guy who starred in The Sitter. Except if you’re slightly bigger than me, then please stay away because you will hurt me. But anyone else who is my size or smaller, I will fuck you up! Unless you are my size but more muscular, then obviously I don’t want to fight you. But everyone else can get it!”
I caught up with Bateman, post-surgery, to inquire about what exactly set Hill off.
“I was walking out of a meeting with my realtor regarding the purchase of a house with a much larger helipad when I bumped into Jonah. I told him how funny I thought he was in 22 Jump Street, and it quickly escalated from there,” said Bateman. “His reaction totally caught me off guard. The Smartless podcast episode we recorded with him recently went so well. I mean yeah, he talked about all the jiu jitsu stuff and how he could beat the three of us up, but I honestly thought he was joking because c’mon, he’s the fat guy from Superbad.”
At press time, Hill’s BJJ coach refused to give him the first stripe on his white belt. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Bearded Dick Shrub.
Fuck around and find out how lame I’ve become.