All Regular Season Games Canceled
From a bush somewhere in Irving, Texas, I can now confirm that the College Football Playoff is expanding again, this time to 138 teams. CFP director Rich Clark went into detail about the latest expansion during a press conference earlier this week.
“We got tired of waiting and just decided to include every team in the playoff,” said Clark, while he sat on a chair made of stacks of cash. “We were going to build up to it slowly but fuck it. Everyone wants to be in the playoffs, so we’re going to put everyone in the playoffs.”
With conference championships already cut from the schedule, the CFP had to get creative with the latest round of cuts to make room for more playoff games.
“We’re cutting all regular season games to make room for more playoffs,” Clark said before pausing to take a call on a stack of money, he later returned to lay out the playoff’s new format. “The number one overall seed gets a quadruple bye. Everyone in the SEC and B1G have to be triple eliminated. Big XII and ACC teams have to lose twice before being eliminated. Group of Five teams, come on, you know we don’t take you seriously, it’s one-an-done for you. Um, what else? Oh yeah, Rutgers is automatically eliminated until they can get their shit together.”
Not everyone is on board with the new all-playoffs direction of college football.
“These money hungry companies are going to run this thing into the ground,” said Paul Johnson, a senior at Penn State. “I mean, sure, I’m still going to watch every game and tune into College GameDay to see what Pat and the boys are up to, but really, the state of college football is dire right now. Someone should do something about it, unless my Nittany Lions are in the race, and if that’s the case, just leave it alone, the system is fine and working like it should.”
At press time, Penn State first year coach Matt Campbell entered the history books for being the first coach to draw up a gameplan for the Rutgers Scarlet Knights. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Silent JoePa Shrub.
All Regular Season Games Canceled