Minions Director Confirms Minions Did Not Work for Hitler, but if They Had He Would Have Won
Banana.
From a bush somewhere outside of Illumination HQ, I can now confirm that Minions & Monsters director, Pierre Coffin, has put speculation to rest about the Minions and their long-rumored work history with Adolf Hitler.
“Don’t be ridiculous, the Minions were frozen through most of Hitler’s rise to power,” Coffin said in a recent interview. “Had they not been frozen though, I think they would have helped him conquer the Soviet Union. Of course, with wacky hijinks and a dash of Minionese throughout their war efforts.”
Coffin continued to discuss this alternate reality, much to the discomfort and dismay of his interviewer.
“People don’t take the Minions as seriously as they should,” Coffin said after shooting down the interviewer’s request for him to perform some Minionese. “You all think they’re just these cute little guys who say, ‘banana’ and, ‘bello’ at the drop of the hat. But they’re way more than that. They could rule the world. No not could, they will rule the world. Just wait. Your children and your children’s children will all rue the day that you underestimated Bob, Kevin, and Stuart.”
War historian and film critic, Francis Grey, disagrees with Coffin’s theories.
“The Minions would not serve Hitler. They’d be much too busy serving Julius Robert Oppenheimer,” Grey said while puffing on a corn pipe. “Oppenheimer’s disposition is much closer to that of Gru than Hitler. All three men are capable of evil, but the Minions need more. Gru is haunted by his lack of maternal love and of failing as a father figure, Oppenheimer was haunted by his part in unleashing destruction onto the world. These men have layers of complexity, which fascinates the Minions. Miscreants like Hitler have no chance at wooing the little yellow wonders.”
At press time Coffin was arrested for causing a disturbance during a Tonight Show appearance. He was heard shouting, ‘Bee-Do’ repeatedly as police put him into the back of a squad car. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Banana Bush.
