Travis Kelce Vows Just List of Barbecue Sauces
You may fist bump the bride.
From a bush outside of the Swift-Kelce wedding venue, Madison Square Garden, I can now confirm that Travis Kelce’s vows were just a list of barbecue sauces.
“Sweet Baby Rays Original, Blue Hogs Champions Blend, Kinders Hickory Brown Sugar, Sticky Fingers Carolina Sweet, Stubbs Original, Gourmet Warehouse Bourbon Barrel……..Flavortown Smokin’ Hickory,” Kelce proclaimed to his future bride while a tear slowly rolled down his cheek. “4 River Smokehouse Signature, Kraft Original Slow-Simmered, and 6666 Four Sixes Straight Sixes Sp— I’m sorry, I always choke up at this part. And 6666 Four Sixes Straight Sixes S— oh my god what is wrong with me. 6666 Four Sixes Straight Sixes Spicy. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you, Taylor.”
Flavor Flav, the officiant for the Kelce-Swift wedding, was admittedly confused but took a moment to give Travis a chance to say his real vows before moving along with the ceremony after realizing that those were in fact his actual vows.
“I mean I was just as shocked as everyone else” said Flav, while counting the briefcase of money given to him by Taylor. “We did the rehearsal dinner and he had actual vows. Of course, they were impossible to understand because he had trouble pronouncing most of the words, but they definitely were not just a list of barbecue sauces. I was planning to give him a “YEAH BOY” after he said his vows, but it didn’t feel appropriate anymore.”
Amid fierce backlash from Swifties claiming that Travis’ vows clearly demonstrate that he is not worthy of her, Taylor Swift posted a video on Instagram defending her new husband.
“Of course as you all know I greatly appreciate the support blah blah blah but Travis and I originally intended to keep this a private event, which is why we shut down New York for 3 full business days so we could use the center of the city as our venue.” said Taylor before pausing the video to fly her private jet to the washroom. “Right now, we both would like the ability to spend some time together as husband and wife in peace so the only thing I’ll say is I am not at all upset about his vows. This is a man who regularly grooms my cats with his tongue. I’m honestly surprised that he was able to write anything down at all.”
At press time, reports confirmed Travis Kelce swapped out his and Taylor’s wedding cake for 2,000 Puppuccinos from Starbucks. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Bad Blood Bush.
