REPORT: Netflix’s ‘Wonka’s The Golden Ticket’ to Feature Enslaved Loompalandians
“What do you think would come of that?”
From a bush somewhere outside of Netflix HQ, I can now confirm that the streamer’s new reality show Wonka’s The Golden Ticket will feature an enslaved cast of Loompalandians. Netflix co-CEO, Ted Sarandos, shared the details on set of the upcoming show.
“Well, I wouldn’t call them enslaved,” Sarandos said as he pulled out a stack of printed coupons. “They’re getting on-set experience that is hard to come by. We’re also giving them vouchers for three months of discounted Netflix with ads. That way they can all get their own accounts and don’t try to share passwords.”
Sarandos also took the time to comment on the use of the late Gene Wilder’s voice through AI.
“It’s cute. The workers feel like they’re back at the chocolate factory and we don’t have to pay some useless young actor to act,” Sarandos said before complaining about no longer being able to say, ‘Oompa Loompas,’ which he said in a hushed tone after looking around the room for the all clear. “That Timothee kid wanted too much and I’m not going to take a chance on some nobody. We need our nostalgia bait. It was that or making a good show. We went with the former.”
Things on set took a nasty turn when a group of Loompalandians seized all work on set, shouted for unionization, and lobbed off Sarandos’ head with a guillotine.
“Loompalandians do not play,” the Loompalandians sang in unison as they kicked around Sarandos’ head. “If we do the work, then you better pay. Wage theft is a kick in the head. Pay up now or you end up dead. What do you get when you reach the top? Lack of brain on an overpaid mop. What are you doing using AI? Why do you want to be that guy? I don't like the look of it. Loompalandy, doom-pa-dee-da. If you're not greedy, you will go far. You will live in happiness too. Like the Loompalandians do. Doompa-dee-do.”
At press time the Loompalandians officially went on strike. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Chocolate Shrubbydoo.
