Louis C.K. Required to Have His Hands Visible at all Times During New Netflix Special
No jack zone.
From a bush outside of the Netflix headquarters in Los Angeles, I can now confirm that Louis C.K. will be required to have his hands visible at all times during the taping of his newest stand-up comedy special. I caught up with Ted Sarandos and Greg Peters, the Co-CEOs of Netflix, on their way out from a meeting to potentially acquire Disney to discuss this development.
“We want to make sure that we have eyes on those puppies at all times” Sarandos said while Greg Peters stepped aside to text ‘LEAVE ME ALONE’ to someone named D. Ellison in his phone. “We know how much damage Louie can do with those things whenever he has the slightest perceived power over someone. So, as a precaution, we have labeled the first 5 rows for this special ‘The Splash Zone’ in case our specialized hand-picked gooning squad loses track of his hands. We recommend anyone who purchases tickets in that part of the arena to bring a rain poncho.”
Greg Peters returned to comment on the other precautions that Netflix will be implementing to ensure that the special runs as smoothly and sticky-free as possible.
“We’re going to set up a 2-mile-wide security perimeter to make sure that Sarah Silverman absolutely does not enter the premises under any circumstances” Peters said before greenlighting a price hike in Netflix subscription costs. “Obviously, there will be no internet access in the building, and each audience member will be required to wear at least three cardigans. Damn, now that I think about it, that might give off sexy librarian vibes. Okay, well we’re going to have to figure something else out. Maybe snowsuits.”
Later in the week, Louis C.K. addressed the restrictions that Netflix has put in place for his new special on The Nikki Glaser Podcast.
“I think it’s kind of unnecessary honestly, I’m not that guy anymore” Louis said before an alarm on his Apple watch went off. “Sorry about that, Netflix had this app installed on my watch that triggers an alarm anytime I move my hands past my belly button. I must have been drifting south there for a bit. Anyways, do you mind getting back to that story about your vagina?”
At press time, Louis C.K. was spotted pleasuring himself in the bush I had previously hid in for this scoop. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Blackthorn Bush.
