John Cena and Dave Bautista Demand Method Actors Admit They Know Movies Are Fake
Get off the kayfabe.
From a bush in Hollywood, I can now confirm that conflict suddenly broke out on-set of the new film Peace and Civility as former pro-wrestlers-turned-shockingly-great-actors David Bautista and John Cena demanded filming stop until famed method actors Jared Leto and Daniel Day-Lewis sign disclaimers admitting they understand that acting, and movies in-general, aren’t real.
Filming ground to a halt for the day after Bautista asked fellow actor Leto if he knew where the nearest restroom was, and Leto answered by hurling dead shrews and vials of blood donated by his followers at his co-star, “just like my character the Mad Fuckhead of Dunsport would,” Leto said, while still in character.
Meanwhile, John Cena was approached by the inexplicably beloved Day-Lewis at craft services, who began lecturing him about phrenology and the many benefits of chattel slavery. Day-Lewis’ assistant would later assure Cena that it was all part of his character, and not the beliefs of the reclusive Oscar winner.
Bautista pulled no punches, despite the inexplicable levels of fame and respectability both veteran actors still garner after needlessly making life more difficult for everyone around them for decades, “Frankly, I think it’s a little weird that I came from an industry built on deception, backstabbing, and a few weird old moneymen making all the decisions, to another industry where all that is still true, but for some reason I don’t pay for healthcare and people crawl over one another to tell me how much more respectable one is than the other.”
John Cena took a slightly more neutral stance, admitting that, “I have my own pre-filming rituals, some of them considered a little offbeat. I mean it’s not ‘pissing in a bottle and making someone else carry it’ weird, but I get a little freaky sometimes. At the end of the day, I think hearing ‘cut’ is a good indication that we’re not operating in reality.”
Day-Lewis sent a telegram via historically accurate 1870s technology, admonishing the two johnny-come-latelys for their ribald antics and rail-splitting demeanors, insisting that requiring 6 assistants to give him constant care and transport is simply embodying the struggle and pain of the appalling bigot he demands the audience have sympathy for. Jared Leto was unable to be reached for comment, having retired to that island he lives on that’s totally different from any other island you might have heard about in the news recently.
As of press time, both actors agreed to admit movies were “predetermined,” but would not commit to admitting full-on fakery. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Method Mulberry Bush.
