Following Latest Paramount-WBD Merger Pushback, David Ellison Threatens to Run Away from Home
Poor kid.
From a bush on Melrose Avenue, I can now confirm that after 12 states filed a lawsuit to block the Paramount Skydance-Warner Bros. Discovery merger, Paramount Skydance CEO, David Ellison, threatened to run away from home. Ellison could be heard screaming and shouting throughout his family’s Malibu compound, earlier this morning.
“I bet things would just be easier for everyone if I was never even born,” Ellison screamed at his butler, as his tantrum took him down to the floor where he stomped his feet in rapid succession. “I’m just gonna run away and never come back. Yeah, how would you like that, California? I’ll run away and live under a bridge and be so much better off without you. But you’ll miss me and say things like, ‘We should have been nicer to Davey. He was a pretty cool guy actually. I can’t believe we chased him off like that. We’re foolish.’ Stupid California.”
Ellison ramped things up a few moments later when he started filling multiple Gucci suitcases with clothes and money.
“Who do they think they are, trying to stop me from getting what I want,” Ellison said, misty-eyed as he stacked gold bars into an Armani bindle. “Just let me buy all of Hollywood you jerks. I have the money to do it, what is the problem? You’re all just big meanies, just like the big meanies who said I couldn’t act but look who’s laughing now, you big meanies. I run this town and you don’t have a job. Maybe you should have treated me better and acknowledged my natural talents as an actor.”
Long-time family butler, Geoffrey Filmsworth, worked overtime to calm his young master.
“Master David, you really should reconsider running away from home,” Filmsworth said, as the young Ellison crammed him into a suitcase and zipped it shut. “Your father will surely miss you and you can’t buy more Hollywood if you’re out, ‘on the lam.’ Now let me out of this tote bag and I’ll make you your favorite peanut butter and caviar sandwich, with the crust cut off.”
At press time Ellison sniffled while eating a peanut butter and caviar sandwich and sipping on a Capri Sun lemonade. The bush I hid in for this piece was a Water Tower Cypress.
