Chris Pratt Tapped to Voice Optimus Prime
“There's a thin line between being a hero and a memory.”
From a bush outside of a Christian compound filled with unhappy women, I can confirm that Chris Pratt will take on the role of Optimus Prime, following Peter Cullen’s passing.
“There’s no one else on the planet who could match Peter’s voice,” said Hasbro CEO, Chris Cocks. “Luckily, we found someone better. Who needs decades of training and defining a vocal identity when you’ve got a guy who couldn’t act if his loved ones' lives depended on it.”
Chris Cocks was joined outside of Chris Pratt’s compound by the man himself, who had to be pulled away from advertising “Mother Mary” pornography to some of the reporters.
“It’s a huge honor,” said Chris Pratt in his unique, irreplaceable tone. “I’ve been a fan of the Transformers series ever since Michael Bay taught me how to legally have sex with underage girls. Not a massive fan about the name of the series, but I’m happy to deliver homely values down upon those leftwing Deceptadumbs.
Chris Pratt’s addition is one of many surprising changes to the franchise, with reports suggesting that the Autobots will spend each episode praying, volunteering at their local megachurch, or engaging in extravehicular affairs.
“It’s a bold direction for the franchise,” admitted Hasbro Chairman Richard Stoddart. “But as the titular toys transform, so must we transform with the times. There’s nothing more likely to draw in the crowds than pandering to religious fascists and the guy who only shed real tears when Charlie Kirk got no-scoped.”
At press time, Hasbro also confirmed that Bumblebee’s voice would be provided by artificial intelligence. The bush I hid in was a Purging Buckthorn.
“There's a thin line between being a hero and a memory.”