Homelander Declines Invitation to Join ICE
Homelander says no ICE in his milk!
From a bush outside of Vought Tower, I can now confirm that the exclusive club of pardoned rioters, white supremacists, and has-been actors known collectively as ICE, won’t be counting America’s greatest hero among their ranks any time soon. Weeks ago, Homelander himself seemed eager to join ICE in their raids, however that desire has apparently fizzled out recently.
“After reviewing their operations myself, I think it’s safe to say America’s immigration enforcement has matters well in hand without my help,” the star-spangled paragon said, addressing reporters outside of Vought Tower, “good luck out there, gentlemen.”
This contradicts former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem who only weeks ago suggested the supe’s recruitment was all but a done deal.
“While it would have been great to have a blonde-haired blue-eyed überme–*cough* superhuman representing ICE, it’s safe to say Homelander has his hands full elsewhere,” Noem said in an interview on Fox News.
There may be more to this story though, as Homelander was overheard talking to his agent about why he really declined the invitation.
“Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve got a reputation to uphold. They’re out there locking up toddlers and capping civilians. Draw a line somewhere for fuck’s sake! And if you’re not going to draw a line at least don’t be fucking sloppy. I blame the nasty garden gnome lady. Can we do something about her?”
At press time it was unclear whether DHS would pursue other superhuman recruits, though recent photos of The Deep sporting newly bleached hair have been circulating. The bush I hid in for this scoop was Nuke Blue Box Shrub.
Update: Homelander has cryptically hinted that former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem is now “in the bad room.”
