BOX OFFICE REPORT: ‘Young Washington’ Sees $20M Opening, Carried by Men 30+ Who Like to Masturbate in Empty Theaters
Chopping more than the cherry tree.
From a bush outside of my local movie theater, I can now confirm that the $20M box office weekend for Angel Studio’s Young Washington, was driven by huge turnout from the guys who like to masturbate in empty theaters demographic. Box office Analyst, and avid masturbator, Matt Fresh, was astounded by this weekend’s audience turnout.
“Angel Studios bought out all the tickets in my theater and gave them out to moviegoers. That is so awesome,” Fresh wrote on Twitter. “To my surprise though, I was the only one in the theater. But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? I took my seat, pulled my jean shorts down to my ankles, and defiled myself for the entire 125-minute runtime. Thank you, Angel Studios!”
Theater workers were left with quite a mess to clean up from this weekend’ showings.
“Well, the theaters were mostly empty, so they weren’t the worst to clean,” said Kenneth Domingo, veteran movie theater worker who saw action during 50 Shades of Grey showings. “But then you get to the puddle. This one single puddle. Every showing of Young Washington has this puddle. Filled with popcorn crumbs and the primordial essence of male loneliness. After cleaning a bunch of those puddles, I’d rather clean up after Minions & Monsters instead.”
Excited about the box office cume, Angel Studios quickly announced plans for a sequel.
“You like that movie in that empty theater, big fellow,” said a spokesperson for Angel Studios. “Well, we got a sequel coming. Get ready. 1776 is going to have more action and bigger explosions. Buy tickets now before they’re gone. You don’t want to miss this BIG release. Tickets will sell out. Cause we will buy them all.”
At press time my local AMC had to toss out all their brooms and dustpans after the late showing of Young Washington. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Sticky President Shrub.
