Brad Pitt Cool Again
He is so back!
From a bush outside of the Brad Pitt Unofficial Fan Club HQ, in Van Wert, Ohio, I can now confirm that Brad Pitt, long-time actor and former husband, is once again cool, according to some of his fans. I caught up with the President of BPUFC, Todd Phillips, earlier this week to discuss Pitt’s return to form.
“Brad’s back on the sauce, baby,” said Phillips, who later admitted that he runs BPUFC from his mom’s basement. “I can’t believe we lost him for seven long years. It’s about time he stopped being lame and started kicking ass again. We’re heading for another Pitt golden age, and I am here for every moment of it.”
Phillips says it was hard to follow Pitt during the lull in his career, but he understands what he was going through.
“I also had a family that fucking sucked,” Phillips said, before admitting that he also lives in his mom’s basement. “They just wanted all these things from me, like time and kindness. It was too much. I kicked their selfish asses to the curb and now I hang out all day, smashing Lime-A-Ritas and rocking this fan club. It’s so kick ass!”
We caught up with Pitt for comment on his moderation.
“You see, drinking is like working. If you do too much of it, your family will hate your stinking guts,” Pitt said on the third stop of an LA bar crawl. “Welp, friend. I ain’t got no family waiting up for me at home, so I think I’m okay to work a double. BARKEEP. ANOTHER LIME-A-RITA FOR EVERYONE IN THE BAR. I call this a work meeting.”
At press time, Phillips posted a vlog of himself vehemently sobbing into a Lime-A-Rita while begging his wife and kids to take him back. The bush I hid in for this piece was a Twelve Step Cypress.
*Price is subject to change and probably already has by the time you are reading this.
He is so back!