Future of Star Wars Uncertain After Theft of Dave Filoni's Action Figures
Full investigation launched by numerous YouTubers.
From a bush outside of Skywalker Ranch, I can confirm that the next several years of Star Wars shows are unlikely to materialize after the theft of Dave Filoni’s action figures.
“It’s all gone!” Dave Filoni wailed into his cowboy hat, “My complete collection of CommTech Episode 1 figures to practice dialogue! My sets of Micro Machines that I’d use to plan out space battles! Even my vintage Jabba the Hutt playset with a factory error Slave Leia that totally shows her tits.”
The theft occurred during the early hours of the morning, while Filoni had been making last minute edits to the upcoming The Mandalorian and Grogu.
“I was worried the film was too approachable to new audiences,” Filoni continued. “Rather than risk its ability to stand on its own merits, I just threw in a couple dozen characters from the animated series, and a plotline that only makes sense if you’ve read an obscure piece of art from the discontinued Galactic Starcruiser ride.”
The internet has been bombarded with reactions to the news, with many “content creators” offering their theories on the theft.
“This is somehow Kathleen Kennedy’s fault,” said Niatoos Dadbeh, struggling slop maker of the Star Wars Theory YouTube channel. “Everyone knows she’s single-handedly brought about the destruction of a beloved franchise that we despise. Filoni was chosen by George Lucas himself, anointed to make swishy swooshy noises and milk nostalgia bait characters until the blue stops flowing. It’s only natural she’d try to sabotage his work.”
At press time, Filoni confirmed the only remaining piece of his collection was Hasbro’s Black Series figurine of Jon Favreau. The bush I hid in was a Blue Star Flower.
