Biologist in Audience Baffled by Invertebrate Jimmy Fallon Walking Around ‘The Tonight Show’ Stage
A late night mystery.
From behind a potted houseplant outside of Studio 6B at NBC Studios, I can now confirm that a biologist in the audience of The Tonight Show was baffled by the invertebrate known as Jimmy Fallon walking around the show’s set earlier today. We caught up with the perplexed scientist, Dr. Anne Renee, to discuss a possible explanation.
“In twenty years of studying life on Earth, I’ve never seen a mammal without a vertebral column be upright, much less walking around,” said Dr. Renee. “It’s utterly fascinating. I mean, when you try to be pleasing to as many people as possible, you’re forced to defer to any idea that’s expressed, no matter how patently ridiculous. To do that, you have to bend yourself into a Gordian Knot pretending to like something. And that, of course, would require not having a spine.”
Longtime The Tonight Show fan Terry Hammond explained the appeal of Fallon’s wishy-washiness.
“I like safe, middle-of-the-road content,” illustrated Hammond. “I don’t need opinions or politics or personality in my talk shows. That’s why I love Jimmy’s knee-jerk reaction to anything is laughter. He’s asked Paris Hilton about ugly NFTs. He’s been called out by multiple guests for interrupting them. Whatever the case, he laughs, and the studio audience laughs with him. It’s great. There’s no awkward silence. There’s no time to process anything because there’s nothing to process. It’s perfect blandness I can just comfortably stare through.”
The Tonight Show producer Francis Cross described how Fallon’s lack of a backbone is essential to who he is.
“I came on board during Leno’s second tenure, so I was able to witness centrist glop masquerading as comedy done by a consummate pro,” illustrated Cross. “And then we got Fallon. He took Leno’s insipidness and ran with it. Fallon answers the question, ‘What if the word ‘milquetoast’ were a person?’ He’s got this pathological need for approval, so when Trump was on in 2016, what did Fallon do? He ruffled Trump’s hair on TV in an attempt to humanize a race-baiting, malignant narcissist whose very existence has made this country worse for a decade. You can’t teach that kind of profound gutlessness. That’s something you’re born with.”
At press time, Dr. Renee was also hard-pressed to explain how Fallon’s teeth got to be that shade of white, given that it doesn’t appear anywhere in nature. The potted houseplant I hid behind for this scoop was a Spineless Yucca.
