Breaking: Kane Parsons Actually Three Steven Spielbergs in a Trench Coat
We’re going to need a bigger backroom.
From a bush somewhere in the Backrooms, I can now confirm that Kane Parsons is not a 20-year-old movie director but is instead three separate Steven Spielbergs under a trench coat. The revelation comes as a relief to all the film buffs on Twitter.
“I told you Parsons couldn’t have directed Backrooms,” declared Dave Franks, a screenwriter and self-proclaimed member of #PreWGA on Twitter. “Everyone knows talented filmmakers under the age of 20 are a psyop. It makes way more sense that Parsons is actually three 79-year-olds in a trench coat.”
The box office bros of Twitter are also celebrating the news.
“The numbers for Backrooms make way more sense now,” wrote @BO-Pro. “The numbers aren’t high because this is a property Gen-Z likes. Those fools don’t like horizontal movies. The BO tracking is high because Hollywood knew this was a secret Spielberg flick. Wow, Disclosure Day looking so mid also makes so much sense now.”
Mard Duplass was quick to defend Parson’s while calling out his online haters.
“Young people are talented, you idiots,” Duplass said during his lunch with Parson’s, who coincidentally was wearing a trench coat and who was obviously three Spielbergs to everyone but Duplass. “Just because someone younger than you is more talented than you, doesn’t invalidate their talent. Spend more time on your dog shit scripts and less time trying to guess what young filmmakers are real and what young filmmakers are actually three older filmmakers under a trench coat.”
At press time, it came to our attention that Duplass was actually the ghost of Stanley Kubrick. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Plywood Juniper.
