BOX OFFICE REPORT: Gen Z, Pedophile Moviegoers Lift ‘Backrooms’ to $81-Million Opening Weekend
Talk to your kids about staying safe in the Backrooms.
From a bush outside of my local movie theater, I can now confirm that Kane Parson’s Backrooms is a smashing success, following massive turnout from Gen Z and pedophile moviegoers. I caught up with some audience members to get their thoughts on the film.
“I thought it was a pretty good movie,” said Riley West, 16, and the only teenager I could find who I didn’t need a translator for. “It’s just cool to see movies for us in theaters. Everything else has been boomer shit, which I always thought was weird, because I thought they were all dead.”
Older moviegoers are celebrating the return of the youths to the theaters. Heralding Backrooms as the start of a new era at the movies.
“I originally bought a ticket to see Michael for the twentieth time,” confirmed Matt McCann, 55, who went on to confirm that he’s not allowed one mile within any school. “I’m glad to see that kids are getting away from their phones and coming out for a communal experience. The kids are going to save the cinema. Movie theaters are sexy again!”
Demand for Backrooms has grown so much that multiple theaters have had to add additional screenings multiple times throughout the opening weekend.
“We’d fill up a theater with large groups of teenagers, and then the pedophile moviegoers would show up,” said Paul Thrash, local theater owner. “I haven’t seen this many pedo’s in theaters since May 2007, when Shrek 3, Spider-Man 3, and Pirates 3 were all driving kids in. I’ve had to add seven showings of Backrooms just to accommodate all the pedos coming in. The movies are so back!”
At press time, McCann licked his lips after hearing Kane Parson’s was the youngest director with a number one movie in the box office. McCann was then quickly disappointed when he discovered Parsons to be 20 years old. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Bush of a Bush of a Bush of Another Bush.
