Wrongfully Convicted Death Row Inmate Turns Down Free Legal Help from Kim Kardashian
“Just kill me.”
From a bush outside of the Riverbend Maximum Security Institution in Tennessee, I can now confirm that Justin Skye, a wrongfully convicted death row inmate who has maintained his innocence for over 45 years, has turned down free legal help offered from Kim Kardashian.
“I don’t know what’s worse than receiving the death penalty, but I know if I accepted her help, I would get it,” Skye said while taste testing his newest batch of toilet wine. “She failed the baby bar exam three times. The BABY BAR exam? I didn’t even know that was a thing until I looked up her legal career. Trust me, I want to get out of here. It’s not like I’m in one of those situations where I’ve been here for so long that I’ve gotten used to it and formed a community with the other prisoners and don’t want to leave. I fear for my life every day. Taking a shower during the wrong time of day could mean the difference between life and death. At this point I’m willing to take advice from anyone. Except Kim."
I caught up with Skye’s current legal representation during their weekly squash game to discuss their thoughts on Justin’s decision to turn down Kardashian’s offer.
“It was 100% the right choice,” Brody Simmons, Lead Federal Public Defender for Tennessee, said before screaming that his serve was in bounds. “Taking advice from her would have been legal suicide. It would have been worse than actually pleading guilty to the crimes he did not commit. I’m just very happy that he was vehemently against using her as a resource. He actually repeatedly told us that he would rather die than let her touch his case, which by all indications will probably happen very soon.”
After finding out that he rejected her help, Kardashian took to Twitter to address Skye’s reluctance.
“As you all know, death row inmate Justin Skye recently declined my offer to help him with his current legal battle,” Kardashian wrote. “I have no idea why he would do this. Yes, it is true that I haven’t passed the bar exam yet. Yes, it is true I didn’t even go to law school and instead completed a law apprenticeship. But I did portray a lawyer on ‘All’s Fair,’ so I have enough experience to at least pretend to be a lawyer. Also, I’m rich. And a celebrity.” Kim’s post was marked with a “may contain AI generated content” warning.
At press time, Kardashian was spotted asking ChatGPT what the difference between a prosecutor and a defendant was. The bush I hid in for this scoop was an I Failed the Bar Exam Again Shrub.
