Spike Spiegel Reveals Terminal Lung Cancer Diagnosis
Just say no.
From behind a potted plant aboard the Bebop in Mars’ orbit, I can now confirm Spike Spiegel lit a cigarette and then disclosed to his shipmates, Jet Black, Faye Valentine, Edward Wong, and Ein, that he has an aggressive strain of small-cell carcinoma in his lungs, and that it is terminal.
“Looks like this is it for good ol’ Spike,” declared Spiegel, as he took a deep drag. “I figured a healthy diet of bell peppers ’n beef woulda maybe cancelled out the whole smoking thing. Yin ’n yang or whatever. Funny thing is, Doc said that had I come in for an annual check-up, they coulda caught it before it metastasized and chemo mighta been an option.” He shrugged as he took another deep drag, then flicked the butt past Valentine’s head. “Oh well. Anyway, I’m starving. Anything to eat around here, Jet?”
After hearing the unfortunate news, Black commented on his longtime partner’s stubbornness.
“It’s so sad to hear,” sighed Black, shaking his head. “But had [Spiegel] just gone to the doctor instead of chasing loose women and low-rent bounties, he probably could’ve had a fightin’ chance.” Black considered for a moment, then continued. “Then again, he’s been a chain-smoker since I’ve known him, and no amount of practicing Jeet Kune Do is gonna undo the damage he’s done to himself. So maybe this was always destined to happen. Ain’t no way he was gonna quit, even if it meant bringing Julia back to life, that’s for damn sure.”
Fellow bounty hunter Andy von de Oniyate discussed the absurdity of Spiegel’s decision-making.
“It’s a goddamn mystery to me why anyone would smoke in this day and age,” wondered von de Oniyate. “I mean, obviously cowboys don’t care much about their own well-being. Chasing people around on foot or in a spacecraft, getting shot at constantly, being exposed to toxins and viruses…it’s all part of the job. Mighty fine adrenaline rush, too. But to do something so absolutely crazy as lighting up a cigarette is beyond stupid. Cigarettes have 70—yes, seven zero—known carcinogens, and you voluntarily put shit in your body? It’s literally insane to risk getting cancer. If you light up you’ve got a death wish, pal.”
At press time, Spiegel was heard asking Black if there were any open bounties on Earth and whether they could stop for some Peking duck after completion. The plant I hid behind for this scoop was a Celosia Spicata.
Just say no.