Poll: Most Americans Would Rather be in a SAW Trap Right Now
I want to play a game.
From a bush outside of Washington, I can now confirm that a recent poll has found that most Americans would rather be subject to a SAW trap, than continue to live in America. It’s a shift in public opinion that is shocking pollsters this morning.
“Normally only half of the country wants to be put in a SAW trap,” said Fred Gray of The Harris Poll, before admitting that he spends his lunch hours crying under his desk. “The fact that a majority of the country would rather be abducted by a man and his circus of apprentices, placed in a trap meant to test their worst flaws, partake in that test, and then potentially become an apprentice to said kidnapper, really says a lot about where we are as a country.”
Sandra Quinn, a mom of three and a teacher from Asheville, admits she’s tired of waiting for things to get better.
“When it’s country or reverse bear trap, I am taking the reverse bear trap every time,” Quinn said before admitting she spends her planning hours crying under her desk. “I mean if I survive, an apprenticeship would be pretty cool. I bet I would make more money picking victims pockets than I do teaching. I wonder if Jigsaw would make me buy my own supplies.”
Dwayne Strut, an accountant from a rural town in Tennessee, thinks his fellow Americans are being a bit ridiculous.
“America has never been more kick ass than it is now,” Strut said before admitting his adult children no longer talk to him, but that he’s okay about it and doesn’t cry under his desk. “I hate lettuce and blue berries. Yuck, give me burgers. And do you know what…actually…I can’t keep this shit up. I’m just as miserable as everyone else. If you’re handing out SAW traps, can I get that barbed wire maze from the first one? I think I can beat that one.”
At press time, another poll revealed that most Americans had cried under their desks today. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Gordon Flannelbush.
I want to play a game.