David Zaslav’s Golden Parachute to be Provided by ACME
Ain’t he a stinker?
From a bush outside of Warner Bros Studio in Burbank, I can now confirm that outgoing WBD CEO and tax write-off superfan, David Zaslav, will be receiving his golden parachute from the ACME Company. It’s all part of a new partnership with Paramount, that is placing the task of delivering golden parachutes to well-deserving executives, into ACME’s hands.
“Well, I say I say we’ve been making regular parachutes for decades, so it only makes sense that we get into the golden parachute business,” said ACME CEO, Foghorn Leghorn in a recent press interview. “It’s an honor to be working with David Ellison and his daddy on this project. I’ve known that boy since he was just a sprout in a field, trying to act in the pictures. It’s a good thing he grew into his father’s looks and money.”
Leghorn has a history with Zaslav and considers it an honor to be personally handing him his golden parachute.
“The boy’s as sharp as a pickle ball,” Leghorn said before taking a long drag on a cigar. “He was an intern for ACME many moons ago. Boy was he bad. Screwing up coffee orders, sending electronic mails wrong, hell I once caught the boy trying to fax something by holding a document up to the computer monitor and screaming ‘fax’ at the top of his lungs. Thankfully he comes from money, so him moving up the corporate ladder was a no-brainer. Now look at him. I say I say the cream of the crop really does rise above all else.”
We caught up with Zaslav at his local tan suit shop for comment.
“It’s an honor to be honored for doing a great job,” Zaslav said before trying on another suit. “Honestly, it’s all in a day’s work. I love working with artists, shelving movies for tax purposes, and making tan suits cool. It’s just really awesome that all that made me some fans along the way. You all love me. You really really love me!”
At press time, ACME began the process of stuffing Zaslav’s golden parachute. The bush I hid in for this scoop was Roadrunner Bush.
Ain’t he a stinker?