BOX OFFICE REPORT: ‘Super Mario Galaxy Movie’ Banks $372M+ on Opening Weekend Thanks to Key Clapping Seal Moviegoing Demographic
Point & Watch.
From a bush outside of my local movie theater, I can now confirm that the $372.5M global box office weekend of Illumination’s Super Mario Galaxy Movie, was driven by huge turnout from the clapping seal moviegoing demographic. Box office Analyst, and Twitter shit poster, Doug Tilly, was astounded by this weekend’s audience turnout.
“The clapping seals usually don’t come out to theaters en masse like this,” Tilly tweeted, before reminding everyone that he has a box office-centric Substack page where he breaks down the box office behind a paywall. “They’re usually too busy performing at Sea World, being eaten by killer whales, or streaming slop from the comfort of their homes.”
Tilly then went on to speculate about where the movie could end up by the end of its theatrical run.
“I think the introduction of other Nintendo characters is going to drive more seals to theaters,” Tilly tweeted, sharing a graph that everyone glanced at and quickly forgot. “Strong word of mouth is also going to help. If seals hear another seal clapping and carrying on, they’re going to be driven by curiosity toward that clapping. I think this one for sure will make a billy[sic].”
Illumination celebrated their strong opening weekend, with a video featuring CEO of the animation studio, Christopher Meledandri, and some minions.
“What a fucking weekend! You dipshits really came through for us and supported the movies,” Meledandri said in the video, while a group of minions rolled out a banner to advertise their next movie (the banner was unfortunately upside down). “We’ve heard our audience loud and clear. Less plot and character, more things to point at. We’ve got you. Go see the next minions. Oh yes and Shrek 5 is out next year; we’ll have plenty of things you can point and clap at in that one.”
At press time Illumination had fired the writers for Shrek 5 and replaced them with a Shrek lore expert. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a ? Block Shrub.
