An Honest Review of “Melania”
The year’s first Oscar contender.
I am stepping out of the bushes to try my hand at reviewing pictures. Opinions are not easily monetized, but let’s give this a try. It should be noted; I was paid $500 by some nice gentlemen to view Melania. I don’t normally take money from strangers, but who says no to $500 in this economy?
I really like Mikey Madison in this picture. She plays the titular role. A young sex worker, who falls madly in love with a troublesome manchild. That manchild pays Mikey to “be his girlfriend” for a week, which is just a nice way to say that he paid her $15,000 for a week’s worth of sex (I would have taken much less to be his girlfriend.)
So, Mikey and the manchild are all nice and happy, playing husband and wife in New York. Then it turns out this guy has a lot of ties to Russia. In fact, his entire lifestyle is funded by some Russians. Not just any Russians either. These people are Russian oligarchs (that’s bad). Even worse, these people are manchild’s Russian parents (that’s…not as bad, you can’t choose your folks.)
Anyway, the Russian oligarchs think Mikey is not good enough for their special boy and send some Russian muscle to take her out. But Mikey is tough. She was raised on the streets and doesn’t take stuff from anybody. That’s when the oligarchs hop a private jet for a meeting with their special boy. They offer him money to leave his wife, and the manchild does it, because if there’s anything he loves more than ambiguously young sex workers, it’s money from Russian oligarchs. Mikey gets some money too. So that’s good for her.
I don’t want to look too deep into my crystal ball, but this thing has, “best picture nomination,” written all over it. Hop over to Polymarket or whatever and put your money on it. They currently have the odds of Melania getting a best picture nomination at 14.88%. Wow.
I’m sorry my editor has just informed me that this is the plot of Anora. I can’t be too certain if that is true, because I refuse to watch indie movies. I could rewrite the review and try to remember everything I saw, but that was hours ago. I have a really bad memory. Even worse, I already spent that $500. I guess, maybe if those nice gentlemen are still handing out money to see it, I could go. But then I’d have to fuss with traffic. Fuck it. Here’s my score.
