CBS Sets Date for Colbert's Execution
Jimmy Fallon circling executioner role.
From behind a large rubber plant in the press room at the CBS Building in New York, I can now confirm that Late Night host, Stepen Colbert will be executed during the taping of the series finale of the long-running “The Late Show”. Questions quickly arose as to whether this was some sort of Super Bowl-esque marketing stunt, but were immediately quashed by newly appointed CBS News Editor-in-Chief, Bari Weiss.
“CBS news programs like 60 Minutes have faced numerous accusations as of late that we are intentionally ‘killing journalism,’” Weiss said, before trying and failing to recall the “five Ws” of journalism. “While I vehemently disagree with such a ludicrous notion, it did pose an interesting question - what if we literally killed journalism? Like physically shooting or stabbing it. That’s why, in partnership with CBS Entertainment, and with the blessings of Daddy Ellison, we’re sending Stephen out with a big bang.”
Fans who have been following “The Late Show” saga over the past year may recall money being the deciding factor in the show’s cancellation. Amy Reisenbach, President of CBS Entertainment, still insists it’s mostly a financial decision, but there are some other factors at play.
“The biggest challenge with legacy content in the streaming era is a lack of interactivity” notes Reisenbach. “The data is very clear - our subscribers want to play an active role in the content that they consume. We have a unique opportunity with the final Late Show to give subscribers the interactivity they demand. So, beginning May 1st, subscribers to the premium tier of Paramount+ will be able vote on their preferred form of execution, in-app, for a limited time. Choices range from historical favorites like the untested Medieval ‘Iron Maiden’ to the gruesome Norse ‘Blood Eagle’.
In addition to voting, Paramount Skydance CEO David Ellison has brokered a first-of-its-kind partnership with internet based gambling company DraftKings, that he believes will redefine the streaming experience as we have come to know it.
“Fans looking to add a little more excitement to the whole affair will be able to place bets right within the Paramount+ app” shrieked a visibly sleep-deprived Ellison. “From simple bets like method of execution, to hyper-specific parlays where you can dial-in precise factors like time of death, length of suffering and whether or not there will be a post-expiry evacuation. Users will have the opportunity to really win big!”
At press time Late Night host, Jimmy Fallon, had phoned Colbert to request a shot at the role of executioner.
