Ugly Children Barred From 'Michael' Screenings
Coastal 8s and up only.
From a bush outside of an AMC theatre in Nevada, I can confirm that cinemas across the nation have issued some divisive restrictions regarding the new Michael film.
“No ugly children,” said CEO Adam Aron in a broadcast through AMC cinemas. “We wanted to restrict screenings to those under thirteen years old, but burying bodies isn’t exactly cheap and we need a return on our investment. Still, we’re not going to desecrate Jackson’s memory by allowing twerps with crooked noses or freckled-faced gits through the door. Only the hottest children are allowed.”
The controversial decision has angered thousands of parents, many of whom have expressed unhappiness at the thought of insulting their children or having to pay extra to hire a babysitter.
“Rest assured, we don’t expect parents to call their children ugly,” said AMC’s Director of Operations Mark Garcia. “That’s why we’ve deployed experts in underage looks: beauty pageant parents, Republicans, and residents of Dubai, to serve as child inspectors outside of every screening. Not only will they keep screenings glamorous, but they’ll even babysit your unloved, ugly ducklings while the rest of you catch the film.”
So far, the controversy shows no sign of letting up, with numerous organizations across the United States making public statements denouncing the cinema chain.
“This is hurtful and wrong,” said Peter Nonce, head of the MAP Rights Association. “All children are beautiful. Even if you have a squint a little or close your eyes and pretend, they’re someone else. Just as we have opened our homes to the freaks, AMC should follow in our footsteps, and ensure cinemas are a safe and sufficiently darkened meeting place for all.”
At press time, numerous indie cinemas offered reserved seating for average looking children. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Microcachrys.
