Tim Allen Debuts New Sitcom ‘Everything Used to Be Better, and I'm Scared All the Time’
Tool time.
From a bush in Hollywood, I can now confirm that veteran comedian and professional child-loather, Tim Allen surprised audiences on Jimmy Kimmel Live when he announced that he’d be starring in yet another sitcom aimed at the fast-expiring Boomer and Gen-X audiences: Everything Used to Be Better, and I’m Scared All the Time to a five minute forced standing ovation.
The host blankly prompted Allen to talk about the new project, which he described as, “The last bastion for the real truth that we all know: that culture peaked in 1976, politics in 1988, and everything has been on a steady downhill drop ever since then!” followed by a series of animalistic grunts, echoed by the audience of cattle-prodded hostages. “I mean what happened to all of it? Why has life felt like an unending, slow-motion descent into the abyss surrounded by women who hate you and children who don’t understand you for 50 years?!” the leathery “comedic” “actor” opined to an increasingly prompted reaction from the crowd.
“Well, I’ll tell you where you can still see real men cause I’m working with culture giants like Fox and the Daily Wire to bring ‘Everything Used to Be Better and I’m Scared All the Time’ to not just one of those crappy streaming services that your grandkids don’t want to set up for you, I’m bringing it to prime time, baby! I’m as relevant as ever, and we’ll tackle relevant issues! Like how foreign food is yucky, children require too much time and effort, and how to cut a plea deal with the prosecution for a slap on the wrist in exchange for selling out your friends and colleagues and then having the unmitigated gall to present yourself as some outlaw badass!”
On the phone, series producer, and born-again Christian, Sam Smith Davis was jubilant, “In an increasingly hostile and divided country, traditionalists need places they can feel badass without ever having their preconceptions be challenged more and more. This show won’t feature any forced wokeness nor censorship, it will just be men being men the way men ought to be: the way we vaguely remember them being from like 1950? You know amphetamines and whites-only bank loans! We’ll get back slurs! Lots of slurs! They can’t take that away from us! Hey! C’mon, maybe our female lead will get ‘em out live on-air, you don’t know! Like when TV was good, like how it used to be! It’s the ‘90s again, or it better be or I’ll-!” The call ended abruptly after that. Any attempt at a follow-up or re-schedule was responded with a crudely drawn picture of a butt.
At press time Davis had sent us a ranked list of his favorite slurs. The bush I hid in for this scoop was an Al Bush.
