‘Severance’ Fan Murdered After Referring to “Work Wife” as His “Innie Wife”
Could this be the work of the SFSK?
From a bush outside of a local SoFi office, I can now confirm an employee is dead after referring to his “work wife” as his “innie wife.” Sheriff Doug Gallo updated the press about the ongoing investigation earlier today.
“We’re not ready to release the name of the victim, since the family is too embarrassed by all of this,” Gallo said from the steps of the sheriff’s office. “What I can confirm now, is that a SoFi employee was bludgeoned to death, moments after referring to a coworker as his “innie wife.” We can also confirm that the victim was a diehard fan of the Apple TV show, Severance, thanks in part to all the blue balloons in his cubicle and by the forehead band-aid we found him wearing at the scene of the crime.”
Gallo also confirmed that two people of interest in the murder are currently being held for questioning. He also shared a warning to the public.
“You all need to stop quoting these shows in public. It could save your life,” Gallo said as rain started to beat down on the press conference. “I’ve been on this force for a long time and have seen way too many superfans’ cut down in these streets. For the love of God. Keep the quotes in the home and stop being weird in public. It is for the safety of you and your loved ones.”
Gallo denied any connection of the latest murder to the Superfan Serial Killer, and the local police still deny SFSK’s existence. We caught up with podcaster, JJ Fang at a Hobby Lobby not too far from the scene of the crime. Fang is the local SFSK expert, who has been tracking the fabled killer since the very beginning.
“This has SFSK written all over it,” Fang said standing in the checkout line to buy spools of red yarn. “He, I assume it’s a he, has been inactive since The Office superfan killing in 2011. I’ve tracked his first killing back to 1985, but there are contradicting reports on that first victim. One report states the victim said ‘pOOding PoPP’ prior to the murder, another states he said ‘THUNDERCATS HOAAAA.‘ Could this be the start of a new wave of killings? Plenty of good TV out there means there’s plenty of annoying superfans. According to my research, SFSK favors killing superfans of comedies. So, fans of shows like Only Murders and The Bear need to be extra careful.”
“At press time Sheriff Gallo confirmed that the Severance fan’s “innie” and “outtie” were both pronounced dead at the scene of the crime. The bush I hid in for this scoop was Spree Shrub.
