Plur1bus Hive Mind Rejects Coldplay Mega Fan
They want nothing just like this.
From a bush somewhere in San Francisco, I can now confirm the existence of a 14th human who was unable to merge with the Plur1bus hive mind. Unlike the other baker’s dozen, this individual was rejected by the hive mind for their beliefs. More specifically, for their belief that Coldplay is the greatest band on the planet. Cody Logan, Coldplay super fan and super single, feels betrayed by the rejection.
“Dude, I got to feel the harmony of joining and it felt like being in the front row of a Coldplay show,” said Logan, before he listed every Coldplay concert he ever attended. “They embraced me at first. But they were irritated with having encyclopedic knowledge of how Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends came to be. For an alien species that wants to bring people together it sucks that they said no to me and only me. Even the band got to join.”
The hive mind agreed to talk to Hollywood Time$ using Coldplay frontman Chris Martin as a mouthpiece.
“Of course Coldplay claimed they were proud of the music they put out,” said the hive mind through Martin, “but come on. No one actually liked, “Something Just Like This,” not even the bloody Chainsmokers. There is nothing worse than a megafan who constantly wants to get musicians to sign their stuff and take selfies. Cody had been to over 300 Coldplay shows and got backstage to chat with the band at every single one. He really brought the vibe down in the room with his enthusiasm. No one wanted to read his Coldplay fan fiction. It felt icky to keep him around. One of the reasons we invaded this planet was to liberate people from having to listen to albums like Music of the Spheres.”
One of the few remaining humans thinks the hive mind did the right thing.
“Fuck Coldplay,” said Albequrque author Carol Sturka. “I wouldn’t want them in my collective consciousness either. I hope he doesn’t come around here. If he asks if there are any other humans around, tell him I’m busy.”
At press time Logan walked through the empty aisles of a Sprouts Farmers Market humming, “Speed of Sound” to himself. The bush I hid in for this story was a Yellow Shrub.
