Breaking: Sophie Turner Has Never Been in a Tomb
Can someone who has never actually been in a tomb, raid one?
From the bushes outside of the Tomb Raider set, I can now confirm that Sophie Turner, the new Lara Croft, has never actually been in a tomb. I caught up with Tomb Raider superfan, XxRaidMyTombxX (Raid for short), also in the bushes. He confirmed what the internet had long been speculating.
“So, I hacked her emails and stumbled across an email to Phoebe Waller-Bridge,” Raid said, as his odor hit my nostrils and watered my eyes, the man smelled worse than a tomb, if I’m being honest. “Boom. Turner admitted immediately that she had never raided a tomb, let alone raided one. She has always wanted to, but always produced some lame excuse, like acting in something or being a mom.”
Ignorant of his stench, assaulting all with the sense of smell, Raid launched into a rant about Turner’s shortcomings in the role of Lara Croft.
“This lack of tomb experience should disqualify her from the role. If she had any honor, she would step down immediately,” Raid said, before burping in my face, which felt like being pepper-sprayed. “Now I don’t know if Jolie or Vikander had tomb experience, but they at least looked like they had tomb experience. You know who I bet has tomb experience? Sydney Sweeney. There’s something about her image that just screams, ‘I raid tombs.’”
Escaping Raid’s odor, I snuck onto set to have a word with Turner about her tombless revelation.
“I don’t need ‘tomb experience,’ to play a tomb raider,” Turner said, pointing her prop pistols at me aggressively. “You think these internet losers were digging through Holland’s emails to see if he had ‘tomb experience?’ No. They let him play Nathan Drake and kept their stupid fucking mouths shut. They are so worried about if I’ve been in a tomb or not, I’m worried about if they’ve ever spent time outside away from a screen.”
At press time Raid was arrested for breaking Turner’s restraining order against him. The bush I hid in for this story was a Pointy Lilac.
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