Oscars to Award ‘Crash’ Best Picture Again Because Fuck You
A stunning upset.
From a bush in the heart of Hollywood, I can now confirm that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced that this year they will be awarding 2005’s Crash best picture again because fuck you.
“Yeah, go fuck yourselves,” said Anton Lennon, the president of the Academy. “We gave Crash best picture back in 2006 and some of you fucking crybabies still haven’t gotten over it, so I thought, fuck you, I’m doing it again. If you give me God-like powers over what gets awards or not, you can expect me to use it. Next year, maybe Emilia Perez might get nominated again. Or maybe Green Book needs another run. I’m the one who made sure Suicide Squad got an Oscar, so don’t think I won’t give Roman Polanski some more gold to take home. Shit, Woody Allen’s still alive, and I’d love to give that sick fuck one more award before he goes to Hell. Don’t like it? I don’t give a fuck. I’m the Academy motherfucker!”
Valerie Onassis, an historian focused on the Oscars, believes that they should do the complete reverse at this year’s ceremony.
“Take Crash’s Oscar away,” said Valerie, who has studied the Oscars her entire life. “Giving that piece of shit movie best picture over Brokeback Mountain is the only mistake the Oscars has ever made. I mean, yes, they also gave Shakespeare In Love best picture over Saving Private Ryan and Forrest Gump best picture over Pulp Fiction. Rocky over All the President’s Men. The King’s Speech over the Social Network. Driving Miss Daisy over Goodfellas. Wait. Are the Oscars always bad?”
Overjoyed with the news is Graham Waters, head of the Crash Fan Club.
“Where my Crashheads at?” said Waters, the founding and only member of the Crash Fan Club. “I can’t believe it’s happening again. This is a dream come true. When I saw this movie in 2005, I thought, well that’s it for racism. Solved once and for all. I was wrong but damn it, we were close. Sandra Bullock realizing that her maid is a human being or when Ludacris finds a van full of chained up Cambodian immigrants and rather than selling them to human traffickers, releases them, confused and scared onto the streets of Chinatown and drives away with a self-satisfied smile on his face. All of these scenes had brought our country together in complete harmony, but it didn’t last unfortunately. Maybe giving it best picture again will resume the healing.”
At press time Ang Lee, the director of Brokeback Mountain, refused to comment but did punch four holes in the wall of his office after learning of the Academy’s plan. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Phony Ficus.
