Opinion: Kids Should Try Jackass Stunts at Home
One. Last. Op-ed.
With Johnny, Steve-O, Pontius, Wee Man, and the rest of the Jackass gang gearing up for one last ride this June in Jackass: Best and Last, the corporate stooges at Paramount Pictures are going to be hitting us with a slew of legal disclaimers for children that the stunts depicted are done by professionals and should not be attempted at home.
I, however, believe it is imperative for kids to attempt these stunts at home. Let me explain.
You see, Jackass stunts prepare children for adulthood. Over the course of attempting these stunts, children will build valuable hard skills that will bolster their future resumes such as carpentry, engineering, animal husbandry, and pain tolerance. And, frankly, if they can’t survive something as simple as a taser to the genitals, they will never have the grit to survive in a post-AI corporate America.
The only way to learn if something is good is for you to try it yourself. Is it a good idea to play tetherball with a beehive? There’s only one way to know for sure! I’ve learned so much about my own limits by copying the Jackass gang’s stunts. In the process, I’ve also broken all of my bones – particularly the ones that are part of my skull – so many times that I have effectively looksmaxxed.
Naysayers may object that some of these stunts were originally performed in a different time and may not measure up to the standards of taste we go by today. However, after finishing a marathon of the entire franchise I can assure you that every Jackass stunt has aged immaculately, so emulating them would never harm any sort of cultural sensitivity.
At the end of the day, the children yearn to be catapulted into the sky while inside a shit-filled port-a-potty. That’s what childhood is for! I asked 5 kids if they would sit inside a shit-filled port-a-potty and get catapulted into the sky and they all ran away, almost certainly to gear up for the contraption.
In conclusion, it is more important than ever that kids seek to imitate the stunts portrayed in the Jackass films and TV shows as part of the pursuit of the American Dream. If you wish to argue with me further, you can find me in the emergency room getting a Matchbox car extracted from my anus.
