Late-night Talk Show Hosts Added to Endangered Species List
Pour one out for the Jimmys.
From a bush outside of Washington, I can now confirm that the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has expanded its worldwide endangered species list to now include late-night talk show hosts. Acting Deputy Director for Program Management and Policy at FWS, Janine Velasco, shared the updated endangered species policy during a press conference yesterday.
“This is something that came to our attention around the time Fallon took over The Tonight Show,” Velasco said as she pulled up a slide that contained an image of Stephen Colbert, next to a California condor and a Devils Hole pupfish. “We were looking into the depletion of The Tonight Show staffers, when we realized that the shortage of that natural prey was also causing harm to its predator, the late-night talk show host.”
Velasco started to paint a bleaker picture as she discussed the Hollywood food chain and the recent changes that put late-night talk shows at risk of extinction.
“Late-night talk show hosts have had to start sharing their prey with other predators like podcasters and YouTubers, both of which are highly overpopulated at the moment,” Velasco said while circling a headshot of Tony Hinchcliffe with her laser pointer. “To make matters worse, there’s another overpopulated species that eats late-night talk show hosts. This species is known as the CEO, better known by its scientific name, Deadweight at Topicus. They’re known for eating and not much else.”
So how do we reverse the current downward trajectory of late-night talk show hosts? Velasco has a solution.
“If you see a CEO in the wild, shoot it in the head,” Velasco said while loading a rifle. “It’s an invasive species. And the only way an invasive species goes away is if it depletes an area of its food, or we shoot it in the fucking head.”
At press time, FWS officials were able to capture Jimmy Fallon and tag him, to further study him in the wild. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Eubanks Bush.
