Jay Leno Spotted in Vintage Car Racing Conan to the Oscars
They’re off to the races.
From a bush on Hollywood Boulevard, I can now confirm that Jay Leno was spotted in one of his vintage cars, racing Conan O’Brien to the Oscars. The former Tonight Show host was last seen in The Mean Machine, hot on O'Brien's trail. Leno was reportedly driving with his dog, Muttley, in the passenger seat. Witnesses describe his driving as high speed and wacky.
“He was really zooming all over the place,” said pedestrian Mark Jackson, who was almost hit by Leno while he was waiting for the bus. “There I was waiting for the bus when all of a sudden Conan drives by in this sweet pink sports car and out of nowhere Jay Leno just blazes past in the Mean Machine. He hopped the curb and swerved in front of Conan. But then he got out and started digging a pothole in the road right in Conan’s path. Then Leno hit a water main and water started spraying everywhere. It made the road so wet that when Leno got back in his car he just slid right into a pole and Conan just drove right past. Then his dog started laughing. It was pretty wacky.”
While he could not be reached for comment, Leno was heard loudly muttering to himself while he drove.
“Drat, drat and double drat,” Leno was heard shouting after he failed to sabotage Conan’s commute to the Dolby Theater. “Muttley do something! Conan can’t win this race! I have to be the winner. Me. I’ll get to that theater and lock him out, then I can host the Oscars instead. The ratings will be better; he just can’t cut it in that timeslot. I’m the better host!”
Cameron Waingrow, one of the producers of the Academy Awards, commented on the matter and clarified that there are no rules that prevent Leno’s dirty tricks to beat Conan.
“Mr. Leno is well within his rights to try to beat Conan to the Oscars by any means necessary,” Waingrow clarified. “The Academy has very strict rules when it comes to the actual ceremony but before that it’s a free for all. It does not matter how it is achieved, whoever reaches the theater first is the host. Many people don’t know this since we select a host ahead of time to be on the safe side of preparedness but since the very first Academy Awards, we’ve allowed anyone who wants to attempt it to usurp that year’s host. That’s how Chevy Chase ended up as host in 1988.”
At press time, Leno was spotted attempting to hoist a large anvil over a traffic light one block away from the Dolby Theater. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Toyon Bush.
