Inexperienced Josh D’Amaro Cuts 1,000 Disney Employees with Pair of Scissors
Bob Iger will return.
From a bush outside of Disney HQ, I can now confirm that baby CEO, Josh D’Amaro, cut 1,000 Disney employees this morning, with a pair of scissors. The Disney PR team rushed to clear up any confusion created by D’Amaro’s alleged assault with a deadly weapon.
“This was all a misunderstanding,” said Tiffany Geiss, a spokesperson for Disney, who escaped D’Amaro’s cuts by the skin on her teeth. “Mister D’Amaro was not trying to kill those employees. He was supposed to lay off those employees. He now understands where he went wrong.”
D’Amaro returned from his office, following his record number of assaults on a Disney owned property, to apologize to those affected by his cuts.
“I did not mean to hurt you,” D’Amaro said before checking his shirt for blood stains. “We’re like family here, so when you hurt, I hurt. I now realize by ‘cuts’ the board meant layoffs and not actual cuts. That’s my bad. I’ve still got a lot to learn about being your leader. To those I cut, I am sorry. Also, on your way out, please be sure to turn in your badge and laptop.”
Not too far from the scene of the crime, former Disney CEO, Bob Iger, spoke to reporters about the incident, from the deck of his mega yacht.
“I blame myself for the incident,” Iger said as he slipped into a pressed suit and combed his hair. “I should have been there for Josh more. It is obvious I didn’t set him up for success. That’s why I’m heading back. That’s right. Bobby is heading back to Disney as its new CEO. This time I’m going to get it right. Someone needs to guide Disney into the next generation and who better to do it than someone from five generations ago!”
At press time Iger’s mega yacht set course for Disney HQ. The bush I hid in for this scoop was a Boomer Bush.
