Hollywood Executives Salivate Over the Life Rights of Hayden Panettiere
Sanitized Biopic incoming.
From a bush in Hollywood, I can now confirm that multiple studios have entered a bidding war for the life rights of the late Hayden Panettiere. Multiple Hollywood big wigs made statements over the weekend, elbowing for a chance to retell Panettiere’s upbringing in the limelight.
“Hayden’s tale is a tragic one,” said Netflix Co-CEO, Ted Sarandos, appearing on Matthew Belloni’s The Town on Friday. “The bigger tragedy would be her story being told by anyone other than Netflix. No one has more viewers than us, so we should be the ones to tell Hayden’s story. Hayden would want our one-billion viewers to watch her story; I just know it.”
Skydance’s David Ellison threw his hat in the ring with a New York Times opinion piece.
“Being a Hollywood guy myself, I would love to tell a Hollywood story,” Ellison wrote. “That is of course if the cucks in California stop holding up my acquisition of WB. Stop being whiny little pussies and let me buy what I want. Or I’m going to move Paramount to Nashville. I’m sure I can find some tragic Nashville people to make movies about instead.”
Not sure of his status in Hollywood in the near future, Warner Bros. Discover CEO, David Zaslav, spoke to reporters from his yacht, Wile E. Coyahcty.
“I don’t know if I’ll be around to make a deal for the life rights, but if I am, I think we will need to make some changes before this thing hits the screen,” Zaslav said before burning old Looney Tune reels with his cigar. “Hollywood should be a positive light in her story. It helped her rise up and thrive. And then when things take a turn for the worse, maybe we tone down the blame game. Perhaps we don’t shine the light on child stardom. We want viewers to come out of the movie wanting to be movie stars. To do that, we’ll need to take some courtesy with her story. I mean it worked out for Michael.”
At press time, Ted Sarando had reportedly been spotted asking Siri how to pronounce ‘Panettiere.’ The bush I hid in for this piece was a Biopic Honeysuckle.
Sanitized Biopic incoming.