I’m a Cannes Film Festival Attendee Going on Minute 15 of this Standing Ovation
Please stop.
Let me start by saying I know I’m so lucky to be attending the 76th annual Cannes Film Festival. I’ve had the chance to meet some of my favorite celebrities and stroll along the French Riviera. That being said, I’m on minute 15 of this standing ovation, and I’m ready to hightail it back to Akron, Ohio.
I can’t even remember what movie we’re clapping for, something sad with either Tilda Swinton or Cate Blanchett. I don’t think anyone remembers. The reporter next to me fell asleep during the third act and only woke up because everyone was applauding.
People don’t realize how long 15 minutes of standing and clapping really is.
I can’t remember what it’s like for my hands not to be stinging. My knees are weak, Palme d’Ors are sweaty.
People forget that celebrities sweat too, and when you pack them all into a movie theatre in the heat of May, things start to smell. John Travolta brought a barber in to shave his head mid-applause. The barber came and went in 10 minutes, and John never stopped clapping.
You’re probably wondering, why don’t I just stop applauding? I can’t. I’m sitting three rows behind the director, and he keeps nervously glancing over his shoulder to see if people are still clapping. Plus, I moved to sit down at minute 12 and got a death stare from Stellan Skarsgard.
The crowd here stands as one, thinks as one, claps as one. You can’t stop until everyone stops or you’ll be ostracized for the rest of the festival. I whisper-complained I was tired to Dylan Sprouse’s wife, and she rolled her eyes at me.
People must train for this. They must squeeze those grip things and build up calluses on their fingers. I imagine they punch punching bags to build up hand strength and stare at themselves in the mirror saying, “This is the Cannes Festival, not the Cannes not Festival.”
The worst part of it is that I don’t know when the applause will stop. It could be 5 minutes; it could be 10 minutes. The longest standing ovation on record was Pan’s Labyrinth, and even that one only ended because someone in the audience completed the Faun’s three tasks and opened a mystical portal to the underworld.
I may be here clapping forever. Headlines will splash across news sites “Movie Earns Infinite Applause at Cannes Film Festival.” Speaking of which, Hollywood Reporter, do we really need all that applause coverage? Shouldn’t you be getting back to weighing the pros and cons of AI or ranking which Stranger Things kid aged the best?
Oh, wait, Demi Moore just sat down! And there goes Julianne! The Moore’s have said no more. The ripple effect moves through the crowd as everyone sits around me.
An announcer walks on stage and clears her throat. “Due to the length of that standing ovation, we have to skip over the scheduled 20-minute break between movies. Now please stand and join me in applause for our next film!”
