‘The Proclaimers’ Gunned Down in Latest Long Walk Competition
Da Da Dead.
From a bush in some flyover state, I can now confirm that Craig and Charlie Reid of The Proclaimers fame, were shot dead earlier today in the annual Long Walk competition. The twin brothers’ met their end after failing to keep a three-mile pace, which resulted in them receiving three warnings and then ultimately their “ticket.” We caught up with the remaining contestants who recalled the gory ordeal.
“They were walking for charity,” said Luke Franks, a fourteen-year-old from Missouri who was eventually shot in the head at mile twenty when he got a charley horse. “They wanted to be the first brothers to complete the walk together. I’m going to finish the walk for them, in their memory. I just need to walk this cramp off.”
Other contestants pondered why the brothers would even bother with walking at such an advanced age.
“Let it go, old men,” said Quinn Perry, a sixteen-year-old from California who plans to use the winnings from the Longest Walk to buy a laser tag company. “Maybe you walked far when you were our age, but this is a young man’s game. It’s bad enough you guys aren’t retiring and keeping us from advancing in our careers, but now you’re nosing in on our territory. I say good riddance.”
Numerous others shared Perry’s sentiment, with one contestant even calling out the brothers for their cocky demeanor.
“They were talking so much shit,” said Brice Grant, a seventeen-year-old from Arkansas who plans to wish for 90-million Twitter followers if he wins the Long Walk. “They were like, I will walk 500 miles, and I will walk 500 more. They also were doing it three-legged. So not only are they miles braggin, they’re also tied together at the leg. It caught up to them quickly though. At mile five, Craig fell backwards, which caused Charlie to fall forward. They never left the pavement after that.”
At press time, Grant had won the Long Walk and immediately used his new Twitter fame to sell snake oil. The bush I hid in for this scoop was an American Shrub.
